Vindicated
by Carys5
Summary: MarissaRyan. Set when the gang is twenty five. A lot has changed over the seven years, but can old patterns really be broken?
1. Default Chapter

It's funny how a song can take you back. Maybe it is the curse of the MTV generation, but lyrics and melodies have a way of flooding the senses. Somewhere outside of San Diego Marissa had lost radio reception for her favorite station and was now listening to a quote "oldies" station. The song that was currently playing was one from her high school days, and it was causing a flashback so vivid that it actually brought tears to her eyes.

At age twenty five Marissa thought she was through crying about the past, but sometimes it couldn't be helped. Sometimes radio stations were your worst enemy. Seven years away from Newport had given her perspective…that and the year she spent in rehab. She learned the hard way that life was all about perspective. After she got out of rehab, she made one trip back to Newport, and realized pretty quickly that her life wasn't there anymore. So instead, she got into her car and went back to San Diego. She enrolled in a psychology program, and for the last six months, since her graduation, she had been working as an addiction counselor. The pay was crappy but it was enough to cover the bills and her morning latte. It even afforded her the occasional shopping trip, but there hadn't been a new Chanel purse in quite some time, and Marissa learned that she didn't need Chanel to survive. Some days she missed the trips to the spa, and Jimmy Choo, but on the whole, she was happy with the way things were. She had never seen money bring anyone real happiness, at least not anyone she knew. Money, or the absence of it had ripped her family apart on more than one occasion. Marissa had no desire to get caught up in it the way her parents had. A Starbucks latte and window shopping were good enough for her.

As she cruised down the highway, shedding silent tears, all she could really think about was the day before she had gone into rehab. Most of senior year was a blur. After the fall out of her mom and dad's affair, Marissa had taken to self medicating. She had reverted to the quintessential party girl much to Ryan's chagrin. They had played the make up/break up game until it was an art form for them. For nearly three years they had danced around the issue, always finding some reason or another to be together or break up. On the surface the reasons were different each time, but deep down it was always the same thing. Ryan had a white night complex and Marissa took advantage of that. It was never a conscious decision for her, she just knew that Ryan would always be there to make things better. For Ryan, it was a constant inner struggle. He couldn't walk away from Marissa, he knew all to well how that felt and he would never wish it on another person, but on the other hand, he wanted out of that cycle so badly. So when it got too much, when he couldn't take anymore, he would tell her that enough was enough, and she would cry and promise that she wouldn't drink anymore, that it would be better, and eventually he would give in and take her back. For a while it would be good, but then the old routine would kick in and they'd be right back where they started.

They say you have to hit rock bottom before you can start to get better, and Marissa knew this to be true. She remembered her rock bottom moment like it had happened yesterday.

_The pounding in her head wasn't something new…in fact it was an almost constant companion. It was amazing how well you could function with a hangover if you were used to it. Marissa knew all to well the only thing that would get rid of the headache was a stiff shot of vodka. Some people swore by a big glass of water, but for Marissa it was vodka. She went to reach for the glass she kept on her nightstand for just such mornings, when her hand bumped up against something. She half opened one eye to see Ryan sitting on the edge of her bed._

"_What are you doing here? Didn't you explain to me in great detail last night how you were really done with me this time?" Marissa managed to croak out._

"_Summer called…said you weren't in very good shape when you left the party last night and maybe I should check up on you." Ryan offered._

"_Well you've checked, so now you can leave." Marissa tried to reach around him for her glass. _

"_I poured it out." He said._

"_Poured what out?" _

"_You're morning shot. I also got rid of the mickey in the nightstand, and the bottle under the sink in the bathroom."_

"_I don't know what you are talking about. I was just looking for my water." Marissa attempted to cover._

"_I don't know what's sadder, you drinking first thing in the morning, or thinking that you can fool me. After three years don't you think I know all your tricks. Hell, after seventeen years, don't you think I know all the tricks you people use?"_

"_What is that supposed to mean? You people?" Marissa was instantly defensive._

"_Alcoholics Marissa. You are an alcoholic, and I can't watch you kill yourself slowly anymore. I did it with my mom, and I'm not doing it with you."_

"_You are crazy. I am not an alcoholic, and I am certainly not trying to kill myself." She stated emphatically._

"_Oh really?" He said, raising his eyebrows. He grabbed her by the arm and dragged her out of bed and stood her up in front of the full length mirror. "Look at yourself, and tell me what you see?"_

_Marissa looked in the mirror and squinted to bring the image into focus. She was wearing boxers and a tank top from Victoria Secret. "What do you want me to say Ryan – that I need a shower?" She retorted._

"_You don't see this?" He wrapped his hand around her too skinny arms. "Or these?" He motioned to the deep dark circles under her eyes. _

"_OK, so I could use some more sleep or some makeup. And ya, maybe I need to hit the gym."_

"_No Marissa, you need to gain about twenty pounds so you don't look like a skeleton. Do you understand that I love you, but I can't watch you do this to yourself anymore? I just can't do it."_

"_Who asked you to? Certainly not me Ryan. Just go. I am fine." Marissa said, heading away from the mirror and back to her bed. Ryan took one last look at her and for the first time, Marissa saw it in his face that he meant it. And more than that, she saw the disappointment in his eyes. That stung more than anything had in a long time. All she could think at that moment was that there was only one way to deal with that kind of pain…she reached in between her mattress and the box spring and pulled out her emergency bottle and downed two big gulps of the burning liquid. After three or four more swigs the stinging started to fade. She kept drinking until it was completely gone. She woke up twelve hours later with a worse head ache than she had had earlier and decided that maybe some Tylenol was needed. She grabbed a pair of jeans off the floor and wandered downstairs._

"_What are you wearing?" Caitlyn seemed to screetch at her as she entered the kitchen._

"_What are you talking about?" Marissa asked, opening the cupboard looking for the Tylenol._

"_You are wearing my jeans." Caitlyn pointed out._

"_I am not. These are mine. I seriously doubt I would fit into your jeans." Marissa retorted._

"_Those are so mine." _

_Marissa looked down at her attire and realized that the jeans she was wearing were not familiar. Upon closer inspection she realized Caitlyn was right. Although they fit OK, they were a little short in the legs. Marissa leaned back on the counter. _

"_Can you call Dad for me? I'll be waiting upstairs." Marissa managed to get out. Caitlyn didn't know why she had to call her dad, but she did as Marissa asked. _

_Once back in her room, she took off the jeans and put on a pair of her own, to find them pratically falling off her. She went into the bathroom and stepped on the scale….96 pounds. That was not good. She splashed some cold water on her face, and finally saw what Ryan was trying to show her. Her hair was dull and her skin was pale, save for the dark bags under her eyes. She really did look like death warmed over. _

"_Hey kiddo, you in here?" Her dad's voice came from the bedroom._

_Marissa took a deep breath and went into the room. "Dad…I need help." She said softly._

"_You got it." Was all he said. It was as if he had been waiting for her to say those words for months. They quietly packed a bag and drove silently towards San Diego. There was a great residential treatment program there, and he made the call on the way down. All Marissa could really remember from the drive was hearing the song Breaking the Habit on the radio. The lines that resonated with her were "I don't know how I got this way, I know it's not alright, so I'm breaking the habit, I'm breaking the habit tonight." _

Rehab was no walk in the park for Marissa. It involved facing up to and dealing with things she had spent the better part of her life avoiding. Her progress was slow but after a year, she was ready to face the world again, without the aid of alcohol. Music had been a big part of her recovery. Some people took to writing in journals, or drew pictures to help express their pain, anger, and frustration but Marissa wasn't an artistic person, and she had enough problems finding the words to speak, let alone those to write down. Instead she turned to music to express herself. She found her voice in the lyrics that others had wrote. By the end of her time in rehab she had found her anthem in the song Vindicated. "I am vindicated, I am selfish, I am wrong. I am right, I swear I'm right, swear I knew it all along. And I am flawed, but I am cleaning up so well, I am seeing in me now the things you swore you saw yourself." It seemed to cover everything she had gone through. She found it infinitely ironic that it was the song that was playing as she drove back to Newport for the first time since she had left rehab. Although it brought tears to her eyes, she wondered if maybe God was looking out for her, reminding her as she drove through the gates to the place she had avoided for so long, that she was strong. She secretly hoped so, because she was going to need all the strength she could muster to get through the next two weeks.

A/N Just something that has been floating around in my head...please let me know your thoughts/suggestions. Carys


	2. Chapter Two

As Marissa drove through the gates toward her father's apartment, all she could think was that if you had asked her three days earlier to describe her life, she would have said it was pretty boring and ordinary. Unfortunately, just when you think things are going pretty well is usually when life steps in and decides to shake things up.

The day had started badly when she got into the shower and realized too late that she was out of conditioner. She knew that getting the tangles out of her long hair was going to be a painful experience. Normally she liked living alone. Her one bedroom apartment was of modest size but it was home to her, but that day she would have given anything to be able to blame the empty conditioner bottle and the sour milk in her refrigerator on anyone besides herself. Once she arrived at the Centre, she found that someone had taken her reserved parking space adding to her already frustrating morning. The first thing she did when she got to her office was check her voice mail. The icing on her crappy morning was hearing her mother's voice telling her it was urgent she called her back.

Marissa really liked her job as an addiction counselor at the Centre. Her life in San Diego was a far cry from the one she had in Newport, but she liked it that way. In fact, it was part of the appeal of San Diego – no charity functions to attend, no gossiping socialites, no wondering if you brought shame on the family by wearing last season's fashions. It was simpler, easier and she was happy. She had worked hard over the last seven years to get to this point, and part of that work involved staying away from Newport. There were too many painful memories there. After rehab she cut all ties to her childhood home. Marissa hasn't stepped foot back in Newport since the day after she got out of rehab. Caitlin and her dad came to visit her in San Diego, but she rarely talked to her mother, usually birthdays and Christmas. She felt no guilt about it because in reality Marissa and Julie had never had a real relationship. You couldn't miss what you had never had.

When she checked her voice mail again at ten-thirty that morning and heard what was now the fourth message from Julie Cooper-Nichol, she visibly cringed.

"What was that look for?" Georgia asked. Georgia Kelly and Marissa had started work at the Centre the same week. Georgia was a counselor too and they had become fast friends. They had offices next door to each other and shared an assistant. They could often be found having lunch together, going over their cases or their lives.

"My mom left me a message. Apparently it's urgent that I call her back." Marissa explained as she rolled her eyes for effect. Georgia knew some of Marissa's history but not all of it. She was well aware of the contentious nature of Marissa's relationship with her mother though.

"Are you going to call her back?" she asked, leaning against the doorframe.

"Not now. I've got a session in fifteen minutes that I need to prepare for. I'll call her later from home."

"You know what we say about procrastination?" Georgia teased. One of the Centre's mantras was that you needed to address your issues as they came up. Putting things off only made them more difficult to deal with.

"Ya, ya I know. But you don't know my mom. What is urgent for her is usually irrelevant to everyone else. It's probably some stupid charity function that she wants me to attend. You'd think after seven years she'd understand that I will not play the dutiful daughter anymore."

"Well, you've got to give her points for persistence…" Georgia grinned.

"Very funny. Trust me, what ever it is, it can wait until tonight." Marissa said.

"So, do you have lunch plans?"

"I am booked solid all day. Rain check?"

"Sure thing. I'll stop by later and check on you." Georgia replied.

"Thanks."

Marissa tried to put her mother's voice mail out of her mind and focus on the tasks at hand. She was at the Centre until after eight that night catching up on paperwork and in a small way, avoiding going home. Finally at eight thirty she collected her purse and keys and headed home. The instant she walked in she saw the message light blinking on the machine. Instead of listening to the messages, she gathered up her courage, picked up the phone and dialed her mother's number.

She answered on the third ring.

"Hello?"

"Mom, it's me. You called?" Marissa said in a flat voice.

"Marissa, honey. I'm so glad you called me back."

"What's up?"

"Sweetie, I don't know how else to say this, so I'm just going to say it." Julie replied.

"Spit it out mom."

"Marissa, there's been an accident…your father was driving home from work and…"

"What mom? Is he OK?"

"Honey, your father didn't survive the accident. We need you to come home for the funeral on Friday." Julie explained.

Marissa didn't know what to say. She was beyond shocked.

"Marissa?" Julie prompted after a moment of silence.

"Ya, I'm still here. Of course I'll come home. How is Caitlyn?" Marissa was starting to think again.

"She's staying at your father's apartment. I didn't want her to be alone but she refused to come stay with Caleb and I. You know you are welcome to stay here when you come home." Julie offered.

"No, I think I'll just stay in a hotel. It will be easier. Do you need me to do anything?" Marissa asked.

"Everything is being taken care of. The service will be at two in the afternoon. Will you come down on Thursday?"

"We'll see. I'll have to rearrange my schedule. I'll let you know when I figure everything out."

"It'd be nice if you could stay for a little while. I'm sure Caitlyn would appreciate it." Julie hinted.

"We'll see Mom." Marissa said a little more forcefully. Julie was forever trying to get Marissa to come to Newport but she always found a reason not to. "I'll call you tomorrow and let you know what's going on."

"Sure thing sweetie."

Despite being six years without a drink, that night the urge to open a bottle of vodka and pour the burning liquid down her throat was powerful. She was so overwhelmed by the feelings she was having that the only thing she could really think about was numbing them, but six years of sobriety had taught her a lot. So instead of listening to the messages on her machine, she put her shoes back on and went to a meeting. Marissa had long ago accepted that alcohol would be a life long struggle for her. She still went to AA meetings at least once a week and saw a counselor of her own. She understood intimately that sometimes you just needed a little help and she knew from experience that tonight was one of those times.

It had taken her two days to rearrange her schedule so that she could have the two weeks off to be in Newport for the funeral. The days had passed in flurry of phone calls and condolences from those she worked with. Which brought her to today - driving in her car with a radio that would only play a station that seemed to be hell bent on making her cry, and the gut wrenching realization that she would never hear her dad call her kiddo again. So much for a boring, ordinary life.

A/N wow - ten reviews for a first chapter, that is so amazing. Thank you for all the wonderful words of encouragement. You totally inspired me and this chapter just wrote itself. Please let me know your thoughts/suggestions. Carys


	3. Chapter Three

_A/N sorry it's been so long since an update - christmas vacation and no access to a computer. Hope everyone had a great holiday. Thanks SO much for all the encouraging reveiws. They really keep me going. Please let me know your thoughts/suggestions. - carys_

After driving by Julie and Caleb's house, Marissa realized she wasn't up to facing her mother just yet. Instead, she turned the car around and went to her dad's apartment. Caitlyn was surprised to see her but happy nonetheless.

"I thought you were going to Mom's first?" Caitlyn asked as she helped Marissa with her bags.

"Was not up to seeing her just yet."

"You are missing quite the show. She is playing the grieving widow you know." Caitlyn explained.

"Great. How are you holding up Caty?" Marissa asked, flopping down on the couch.

"It doesn't feel real yet. You?"

"Same. It just seems like he's on another of his boat trips and any moment he's going to walk through the door with that big dorky grin of his and say "Hey kiddo, what's up?" It's just too much for me to comprehend right now." Marissa admitted.

"Did mom tell you they are having the reading of the will on Monday?" Caitlyn replied.

"I think she mentioned it. Who's all going to be there?"

"I don't know…I guess who's ever mentioned in the will, so probably you, me and mom. I hope she doesn't break down in hysterics tomorrow. I don't think I can stand it if she does."

"Don't worry, we'll sit together and ignore her the best we can." Marissa reassured her. "So, do you think there'll be a lot of people there tomorrow?"

"I assume so. Dad lived here all his life. Aren't you really asking if Seth, Summer and Ryan will be there?" Caitlyn got straight to the point.

"Since when did you become so direct?" Marissa tried to divert attention.

"Since forever. And to answer your question, yes, they'll all be there."

"Thought so." Marissa said softly.

Marissa hadn't seen Summer, Seth or Ryan since the party the night before she went to rehab. Well, that wasn't entirely true – she had seen them, they just hadn't seen her. Two years ago she had gotten an invitation to Summer and Seth's wedding. It had been sent via her mother, who gave it to Caitlyn. Marissa had sent a card early to apologize for not being there in person, but she hadn't put her return address on it. The day of the wedding though, she found herself driving down to Newport. She snuck into the back of the church once the ceremony had started and left shortly before it ended. No one knew she had been there. Seeing them all so happy had made her a little nostalgic. Ryan looked amazing in his tux standing next to Seth, who had looked appropriately nervous. Summer was radiant and the ceremony was beautiful. The nostalgia was shortly replaced by an ache in her heart. It still hurt not to talk to them – especially Ryan. For so long he had been the only person she could really talk to. And there was a time when she believed that they would be together forever. She had never loved anyone like she loved him – not before or since.

"It will be fine Marissa. Don't worry about it." Caitlyn interrupted her trip down memory lane.

"I know."

"Do they still think you were in Switzerland?" Caitlyn asked.

"I guess they probably do. Somehow I doubt Mom was announcing to the Newport elite that her eldest was in rehab." Marissa replied sarcastically.

The official story that had been passed around Newport was that Marissa was enrolled in an exchange program with a school in Switzerland. So while all her friends were enjoying their first year of college, they thought she was doing the same in Switzerland. Julie Cooper-Nichol could never have stood the social stigma of having a daughter in rehab. It had been Julie's idea not to tell anyone where Marissa had actually been. Marissa didn't find out about Julie's creative story until her first family day three months into the program. By then there was no point and no way for Marissa to set the record straight. According to Julie and her dad, Summer, Seth and Ryan were all happily enrolled in the schools of their choice, Berkley for Summer and Seth, Cal Poly for Ryan. From all the stories she heard, they had moved on with their lives and didn't even ask about her anymore. It didn't stop Marissa from thinking of them, Ryan especially, but she kept her head down and concentrated on her recovery.

"Mom at her finest. So how long are you staying?" Caitlyn asked.

"Two weeks. I thought maybe after the will reading on Monday I could help you get set up here." Marissa offered.

Jimmy Cooper had had full custody of Caitlyn since she was fifteen. Turns out that Julie's lack of parenting skills included Caitlyn too. It hadn't taken Caitlyn long after she came home from boarding school when she was fourteen to realize that she didn't want to live with her mother either. Julie put up a fuss but in the end agreed to let Jimmy have custody. Marissa secretly suspected that Caleb had a hand in convincing Julie it was the right thing to do. There was no doubting that Caleb Nichol was a first class ass when he wanted to be but he also understood about fathers and daughters.

"What is there to do?" Caitlyn asked.

"Well, we need to get the title of the apartment changed over to you and all the bills should be in your name. Just paperwork stuff." Marissa explained.

"I already take care of all the bills and the taxes. You know how Dad is - happier on his boat than dealing with paper." Caitlyn realized her slip of the tongue and her eyes welled up.

"It's OK kiddo." Marissa put her arm around Caitlyn. "We are going to get through this. You and me, we're our family now and we'll take care of each other."

"It's just…."

"I know." Marissa said.

"He was supposed to bounce our children on his knee, walk us down the aisle…"

"I know." Marissa repeated.

"How can you be so…calm?" Caitlyn asked.

"I'm not. I cried almost all the way here. It still doesn't feel real to me. Maybe tomorrow it will finally sink in…I don't know. What I do know is that for now, it's me and you. Why don't we make some hot chocolate and then go to bed." Marissa suggested.

"Shouldn't we go by mom's?" Caitlyn asked.

"You make the hot chocolate, I'll phone and make our excuses. I'll promise her we'll come by there tomorrow before the funeral. That should make her happy." Marissa replied.

"You got yourself a deal." Caitlyn said, wiping the tears from her cheeks. Before she walked into the kitchen she turned back. "Thanks Riss."

"For what?" Marissa asked.

"Everything." Caitlyn said.

The girls went through photo albums together that night over hot chocolate. They were mostly pictures from the last ten years, Julie had kept their childhood albums as part of the divorce. The sisters laughed and cried over their hot chocolate, remembering fun times and sad times together.

When Marissa finally went to bed, she couldn't fall asleep. She lay awake thinking about her dad. She was old enough now to see her father through adult eyes. He had made mistakes, he wasn't perfect, but he was and would always be the standard that all other men in her life would have to live up to. The one thing that defined Jimmy Cooper was his desire to protect those he loved. Marissa knew that she wasn't anything like her mother, but she liked to think that somewhere, deep down, she had inheirited that trait from her dad. It wasn't just self preservation that had sent her to rehab, she also did it so that she could stop hurting the people that cared about her. She wanted to get better not just for herself but for them too. Marissa knew without a shadow of a doubt, that she would protect Caitlyn for the rest of her life, just like her dad would have wanted her too. For Jimmy, there wasn't anything he wouldn't do for those he cared about, and that night it occurred to her that Ryan was the same. Maybe that was what had drawn Marissa too him all those year ago. Tomorrow was going to be a big day for her…she would have to say goodbye to the most important man in her life, and hello to the one she had believed for the better part of her life, would replace him.


End file.
